Saturday, April 24, 2010

"I was but the learner, but now I am the master."

Content Warning: The following blog post contains quite a number of Star Wars references. Yeah, that's right, I learn and apply life lessons from some of the more dorkish parts of pop culture.

One of the things that I have enjoyed so much about being a student, particularly of English, was the mentor ship that exists. As an undergrad, I had great mentors. Mentors that helped me with my writing, mentors that helped me with my literary analysis, mentors that helped me with life choices. And it was great. Eventually though I did need to move on. At NAU I found new people and new mentors that pushed me even farther. How weak and underdeveloped would my writing be if I hadn't had Jane Woodman there to push me. I liked having mentors, I miss having mentors.

Since I've been back in Cedar teaching, I'm not really in the learner mentor situation much anymore. Yes, there are people to get advice from, to seek out when I'm just really not sure, but it isn't quite the same. And to be honest, I don't think it will be the same until I'm in a PhD program somewhere.

There is a point in The Empire Strikes Back where Luke has to go to the aging Jedi master Yoda and be trained in the ways of the force. Yoda makes Luke do head stands, float rocks, try to lift X-Wing ships out of the swamp, and even carry Yoda around on his back as he runs through the jungle. However, there comes a certain point when Yoda and Luke come upon a tree and Yoda tells Luke that he must face the dangers and tests there on his own. I think I've reached that point. That point where I need to step out and be...well, Joe.

I need to make my own mistakes, create my own victories, carve my name into stone, use my own blood, sweat, and piss to build a lasting memorial to my existence. This doesn't mean we do away with our mentors or our heroes. How horrible to be without heroes? We find them and connect with them and help shape us.

So here I am, I have to start making my own way, I have even found myself in the role of being a mentor to some of the people in my life. The thing that keeps nagging at me though, is that I miss being in the learner position. It was easier then, fewer mistakes, less responsibility, and the landscape was knowable. I'll be honest, I'm jealous of the people that have taken my place as a learner. I want to be back there, I want that relationship again. Or do I?

Luke would never have been able to defeat the Emperor, help redeem Darth Vader, if he had stayed the learner. He needed to become his own man, a Jedi Master. Charles Bukowski once said, "What really matters, is how you walk through the flame." When I look back at the flame that I have walked through, I wouldn't want to walk through it again. Those really difficult lessons, those painful mistakes, I learned from all of them. I may not be a master writer and I have lots left to learn, but I'm so glad to be where I am. My skin is tougher, my smile bigger, my hair thinner, my mind sharper.

I will still miss those old learner mentor relationships, get jealous of those that are there now, but this place, it is dark and new and and exciting and scary and...it is...Wow, just wow.

1 comment:

Ms. Sushi said...

Sounds like you are the mentor now, Joe. Happy teaching!