Today I got one of those flash-of-insight-yes-that-is-me realizations. These moments are wonderful, but don't really mean much unless I analyze and own it. So what is this realization? I am perpetually in the state of falling in love. Now, in no make way shape or form is this a bad thing. I see it as a pretty good thing. But really, what does that mean?
I am first and foremost in love with life; with my life. I teach classes I enjoy, I have some incredible students, and I work with some awesome people. Does my life have room to grow and improve? Of course it does, but that makes me love it that much more. I'll eventually go on to a PhD. program, teach new classes, new students, meet new people. I'm not the best writer on the planet, but, as the saying goes, I have miles to travel before I sleep. I have pages and pages to write before I die. Just the thought of that alone makes me fall in love with my life all over again.
I also find myself falling in love with women at a surprising rate. For those of you who just took a double take at that, let me explain. I have found myself falling in love in pieces. I will fall in love with a smile for the life of that smile, the way a cute hat is worn for 50 minutes, the joy of someone's personality every time I'm permitted into the glow of that personality. In those moments, I pour out all the compassion and love I have. And, to be quite honest, that love goes with them. I'm fully aware that no relationship will come out of these moments, and that love may never be returned. But, I don't care. Those moments are mine, and I'll enjoy them how I please.
For some reason, I'm crazy hard on myself. Had I been born in a different time and place, I would have been one of those people in a hair shirt. The hair shirt needs to come off. My life is good, the world around me is beautiful and desirable beyond belief. I have far to much to do, why waist it flaying myself pointlessly? Let's add a few more leagues of depth and more miles of breadth to this life. And fall in love even more.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
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