Sunday, March 28, 2010

So Much To Do Before I Die

"And Keats, big poet Keats, Keats was dead by twenty-four" - Otis, Kicking and Screaming

First, I'm referring to Kicking and Screaming, the film by Noah Baumbauch, not the terrible movie staring Will Ferrell. (I hate that I have to clarify that now.) And second, I really dislike Keats. I understand that he wrote some good poems and he died tragically as this poet doctor, but, I'm good. Like many of the quotes I use, this ties in well with what I've been dealing with lately.

As many of you may have heard, I didn't get the Doctor Who job. Now, there's definitely a large nugget of disappointment over this, but there is a lot of good to come out of it. One of the good things in particular was the 45 minute pep talk I received from Stephen Moffat himself. Now having him talk to me about the future and life in general was really helpful. He was right around thirty when he really got going on his writing career, when he finally found his goal and dream.

I've really started to feel more like an adult in this world. The one down fall of that is being here in Southern Utah. How is it possible, really, to be treated as old when you're only 31? To make matters worse, I've apparently failed at the only worthwhile goal and dream to have here. Now, someday I do plan on getting married and having kids. It's something I want, but it isn't the only thing out there for me to achieve. And trust me, I haven't missed some magical opportunity for that to happen. Guess what, outside of this little bubble, this 18-21 marriage thing comes across as strange. Does that mean you shouldn't do it if it's something that you are 100% certain about? No, go with that gut. However, stop trying to impose your life choices on me. Especially, when you don't know me.

I had this horrible feeling for so long that I was too old to reach my goals, live my dreams, do the things that I wanted to do. I'm glad I don't feel that way anymore and thank you Stephen Moffat for helping me grasp the most important thing I need to do and understand the biggest mistake of my life, living my life for other people. I've wasted so much time doing that. My entire high school existence was trying to do stuff that would either make other people happy or keep my peers from labeling me "Weird" and beating me up. So I squandered in mediocrity. Trying things I didn't really enjoy only to give up on them eventually. Even things I did enjoy were tainted by me trying to be something I wasn't. But, of course, people will tell me over and over again that it was my lack of commitment, my not applying myself, well, bull shit. How do you develop commitment or apply yourself when you are just trying to make it day to day and putting on mask over mask just to survive?

The same thing happened when I started college. I was doing a major that was suppose to make someone else happy, a major I had very little interest in. Being an English major at SUU was probably the first thing I really did for myself. One of the first things I did to make myself happy. Even after that choice, I've been making choice after choice to appease what other people want, or what I think other people want.

So, let's let this blog post stand as a mile marker, a sign post, a new manifesto. I am young yet in my bones, I have much to do before I die, and dreams to achieve. My dreams. I am sorry, I have failed at making other people happy, it is not a power I posses and a poor use of my life. It's time to live for me and be what I want.

Monday, March 15, 2010

For the Love of Money

"Your love gives me such a thrill/But your love won't pay my bills/I want money" - The Flying Lizards

Well, to be completely accurate, the song Money (That's What I Want) was originally performed by Barrett Strong and later a version by The Beatles and a few other people. But I like the version from the 90s film Empire Records. However, it doesn't really matter, I just felt this particular lyric summed up a bit of what's on my mind right now, at least part of what's on my mind.

In case those reading this haven't heard, I had a pretty major interview this morning. I spent about two hours being interviewed by the producers of Doctor Who. Needless to say, my mind is spinning from this interview, but as my brain works through, figures, and processes this current life situation, some interesting things have bubbled to the surface. One of those things is money.

With most interviews and job situations, pay scale does come up. I'll be honest, I stopped breathing for a moment when they told me how much I would get paid if I happened to get this job. Then I did the conversion from Pounds to Dollars and peed a little. It's a sizable income and after I composed myself and changed my underwear, I started to think about those numbers. That money would be nice. New things to buy, luxuries to enjoy, expensive suits, TVs, sound systems...and then it hit me; who gives a shit? I have the chance to work on one of my favorite shows ever. I have the potential of being part of something I love passionately and sharing it with millions. Money is irrelevant at this point. Hey, bonus, they will give me a pay check. I can pay rent and buy food, good deal. And maybe it's wrong to think that, but I just can't glom onto the whole money thing. Let me explain.

When I'm looking at all the potential future careers I have - professor, script editor, writer - my annual income never factors in. I just don't think about it. I would rather be happy than have lots of money. It's just the way I am. Now, I realize that this idea is counter to what many people today think. It's counter to what many people I know think and there is probably a spot in hell waiting for me for defying the almighty dollar. Sure I want to get paid for what I do. I need to pay rent, buy food, etc. But I'm also realistic about the kind of money I'm going to pull in. In fact, if we throw the current script editor position out, I'm a college professor, and I know how much that pays.

I am quite frequently reminded how much people in my sphere make either by conversations I have with parents and siblings or by the possessions they have. They have their cars, boats, home theaters, cabins, and I can't force myself to care. When I worked at the SUU library, I could look at the public record sheet that showed how much each professor at SUU made. I looked at how much the English teachers made. Of course I did. And with all the budget cuts that higher education faces, I know they probably haven't changed a lot in the four years since I last looked. I'm ready for my $60,000 a year future.

Now ladies, if that figure is below your price point, I've got a middle finger for you to inspect. Do price points actually exist? Of course they do. All those vapid sorority girl stereotypes must come from somewhere. But this brings me back to the song quote I started out with. With the world in financial turmoil, the gap between rich and poor getting bigger, I'm glad I have surrounded myself with friends that love people because of who they are, not how much they make. When I eventually get married, I know that the woman I'm with will love me for being Joe and not my monthly pay check. So, at the end of the day, Professor pay or Doctor Who pay, I'm still a win win situation.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Spring Break

One week until spring break. Normally, this means very little to me. Spring break is usually a week of being horribly lazy and just playing video games till my eyes bleed. This year will be quite different. I actually have a full week ahead of me.

I'm quite excited for the first part of my week. As a birthday present, I get to go down to Phoenix and see my favorite musical Avenue Q with Sarah LaRue. As an added bonus, I get to go and play at the wildlife park. Now that's what I call lots of fun.

My second spring break adventure however, has started to cause me a touch of apprehension. Wednesday night I will be hopping a plane for St. Louis and chaperoning the SUU students at this years Sigma Tau Delta national conference. Now, under most circumstances, a free trip to St. Louis would be a great thing, but last year I did promise myself I wouldn't be going to another Sigma Tau Delta conference again.

My promise and apprehension here is a perfect example of the human nature to avoid things that are unpleasant. If you eat Wendy's and then proceed to throw up for the next 24 hours, you aren't going back to Wendy's any time soon. The same is true for me and Sigma Tau Delta. I never should have gone last year. Poor choice on my part. Now, admittedly, last year at this time I was eyeball deep in poor choices. So making one more shouldn't be a big surprise for anyone.

Last years conference was an almost constant hell for me. There were a couple of moments where I didn't specifically want to just throw up my soul into the toilet. Thank God for drag shows, Hell's Kitchen, Neil Gaiman, and comic shops. Now, sorry if this hurts the feelings of anyone who was there, but it was terrible for me. That's just the facts. And if I'm going to be perfectly honest, my enjoyment of Sigma Tau Delta conferences has decreased significantly over time. There's a lot of reasons for this diminishing return, but I think my increasing age and maturity is a huge factor.

I have come to the realization that I'm a 31 year old in a 23 year old culture. Now true, I'm not your average 31 year old. I've still got my comics, my video games, and my child like joy of the world, but that aside, I'm still 31. I have my masters degree, I teach a full load of college classes, I'm shooting for a Phd, and I'm dealing with my writing in a way that they never tell you about as an undergrad. So I'm feeling like an adult, which is a good thing, but there is just stuff out there that has started to drive me through the wall.

I've had it with people second guessing and trying to correct who I am. My mom may still treat me like I'm somewhere between 16 and 23, but that doesn't mean anyone else has that right. Who I am, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to spend my paycheck, is my business. This has always been a brig problem with me continuing to deal with Sigma Tau Delta. At its core, Sigma Tau Delta is about undergraduates and where they are at. Recognition goes to the safe, simple, and archaic. Experimentation and specialization is frowned upon. When I was an undergrad, it fit perfectly for what I was doing, but I've moved far beyond that. Professor Joseph Willis has no place presenting at Sigma Tau Delta.

So, my goal in going to conference this year is to make it my own. I have the things that I need to do and take care of while I'm there, but I'm Professor Willis and that means I need to bring that with me to this because the only place Professor Willis has at a conference like this is as a chaperon. I am who and what I am, and I know what that is better than anyone alive.

The sad ending to this story, I'm starting to question if Professor Willis has a place here in Cedar City. I'm doing what I can, but I'm not sure how long I can survive in a culture that punishes me for being single and over the age of 25. I'm sick of this culture telling me something is wrong. I've been doing an inventory and diagnostic. Trust me, there's nothing wrong here.