So Much To Do Before I Die

"And Keats, big poet Keats, Keats was dead by twenty-four" - Otis, Kicking and Screaming

First, I'm referring to Kicking and Screaming, the film by Noah Baumbauch, not the terrible movie staring Will Ferrell. (I hate that I have to clarify that now.) And second, I really dislike Keats. I understand that he wrote some good poems and he died tragically as this poet doctor, but, I'm good. Like many of the quotes I use, this ties in well with what I've been dealing with lately.

As many of you may have heard, I didn't get the Doctor Who job. Now, there's definitely a large nugget of disappointment over this, but there is a lot of good to come out of it. One of the good things in particular was the 45 minute pep talk I received from Stephen Moffat himself. Now having him talk to me about the future and life in general was really helpful. He was right around thirty when he really got going on his writing career, when he finally found his goal and dream.

I've really started to feel more like an adult in this world. The one down fall of that is being here in Southern Utah. How is it possible, really, to be treated as old when you're only 31? To make matters worse, I've apparently failed at the only worthwhile goal and dream to have here. Now, someday I do plan on getting married and having kids. It's something I want, but it isn't the only thing out there for me to achieve. And trust me, I haven't missed some magical opportunity for that to happen. Guess what, outside of this little bubble, this 18-21 marriage thing comes across as strange. Does that mean you shouldn't do it if it's something that you are 100% certain about? No, go with that gut. However, stop trying to impose your life choices on me. Especially, when you don't know me.

I had this horrible feeling for so long that I was too old to reach my goals, live my dreams, do the things that I wanted to do. I'm glad I don't feel that way anymore and thank you Stephen Moffat for helping me grasp the most important thing I need to do and understand the biggest mistake of my life, living my life for other people. I've wasted so much time doing that. My entire high school existence was trying to do stuff that would either make other people happy or keep my peers from labeling me "Weird" and beating me up. So I squandered in mediocrity. Trying things I didn't really enjoy only to give up on them eventually. Even things I did enjoy were tainted by me trying to be something I wasn't. But, of course, people will tell me over and over again that it was my lack of commitment, my not applying myself, well, bull shit. How do you develop commitment or apply yourself when you are just trying to make it day to day and putting on mask over mask just to survive?

The same thing happened when I started college. I was doing a major that was suppose to make someone else happy, a major I had very little interest in. Being an English major at SUU was probably the first thing I really did for myself. One of the first things I did to make myself happy. Even after that choice, I've been making choice after choice to appease what other people want, or what I think other people want.

So, let's let this blog post stand as a mile marker, a sign post, a new manifesto. I am young yet in my bones, I have much to do before I die, and dreams to achieve. My dreams. I am sorry, I have failed at making other people happy, it is not a power I posses and a poor use of my life. It's time to live for me and be what I want.