Saturday, October 30, 2010

It's Over

I'm sorry, Utah, I'm not really good at this sort of thing. I guess the best way to do this is to just come out and say it. I'm dumping you. I'm done. I just can't do this anymore. I need to see other states. Hell, maybe I need to see other countries. I don't know. It's just been me and you for so long. 28 years long. There were those two years I spent with Korea, and the almost two with Arizona, but it's really hard to count that time. I took a lot of you with me to those places. A big mistake. I should have just been in those places. Experienced them, at least tried to absorb more of what they had to offer. But all that is beside the point. This is over.

Why? Really, you want to get into this? Okay, fine. You aren't my home. Yes, yes, I was born and raised here, but you just aren't home anymore. Honestly, I use to feel like you could always be home. That for the longest time I would step off planes, out of cars into some town in you and sigh the word, "home". Unfortunately, that's no longer the case. I need to find home. I need to walk back streets, eat at restaurants, visit shops and wait for that place to speak to my soul. I look back on it, and you've never done that. You've never spoke to my soul. I think, in most cases, I've been settling with you.

Of course there were good times. How could there not be. However, you've also been the home of my worst moments. And yes, all relationships have that, the ups and downs. But should the downs really outweigh the ups? Instead of speaking to my soul, is it right that you have been crushing it?

Okay, crushing is a bit harsh, but it stifling. You've narrowed my vision, lowered my expectations. Being with you, I feel worse about myself, I feel alone...I'm afraid I'm not as good of a Joe as I can be with you. While I'm here, I feel like I have to be someone different, I have to wear masks, pretend, fit into some other persons idea of Joe. I want to be the real me 24/7. And I just can't do that here.

I'm sorry, this really shouldn't be unexpected though. Sometimes distance forms, things get tainted, go wrong. This is just one of those things.

1 comment:

Blants Q said...

It's about FUCKING TIME! How long have I been telling you that you need to get out? Pretty much as long as I've known you. I'm very proud of you. I really hope you end up across the pond. It'll be easier for me to visit you there.